Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.