Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY