Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.