If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?