My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Canada has crack?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me before I type out affect or effect
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
i really liked this one
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.