Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?