Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
You Might Also Like
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.