“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.