the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?