First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
every single time
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.