Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
This is me
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.