I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
The booster protects against what, now?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
wait.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
oh u like geography? name every lake
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.