God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )