[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
@funTweeters
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB