Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong