Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia