Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman