me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.