Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”