Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides