Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”