Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
me and the Superbowl rn
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
live, laugh, laundry.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.