If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Not messing around
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.