At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Effort made
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
how to have an accident 101
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.