I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
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*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is