If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged