I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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