Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The internet is full of many things
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.