Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You Might Also Like
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
S M O L
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??