“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
You Might Also Like
Thinking about Jeff
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.