I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
had to share :’)
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
A ghost story
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.