living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
no
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.