Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again