I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.