I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
my first dose meeting my second
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
No. He’s not coming out to play
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I have a type: disappointing
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha