me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.