tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.