Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You Might Also Like
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
me adding lol on a serious message
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”