Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*sewing*
A thread
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
ready to be harvested
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.