Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent