Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Cndnsd Mlk
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.