Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
😂😂😂
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping