My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
wut hotdog?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb