Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
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Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.