[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Watson was Holmes schooled
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”