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Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.