Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
i think we should see other cousins
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
They did not think through this water fountain
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment