My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”