*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.