Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The options really are this bad
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.